I don’t know about you but I’m one of those people where certain days have a special meaning. Like birthdays, but also the days your loved ones passed away. I’m trying  to put not too much pressure on those dates but somehow it always slips in. I start to feel extra vulnerable the week before, my dreams change and in a conversation I can tear up just like that.

What to do about it? I guess just embrace it and honor it. Honor the ones you love.

Before my mother passed someone told me that when your mother is gone, somehow her presence becomes even stronger. Mothers seem to hold on to that umbilical cord even when they have gone to the other side. My mother sure did. She’s around me, laughs with me, gives me strength and I swear I can hear her talk sometimes. Most of the time I hear her voice when I do something very unpractical in the household or when Adam eats his food in an odd way. She was always very funny and straightforward in her expressions. She still is.

The first 40 years of my life she was my base, my home, my safe haven and point of focus. The next 40 years I’ll spend talking about her. I love sharing the funny stories about her absurd life and my upbringing. The stories of her last five years being very ill oddly enough, became the best ones to tell. She had dementia and due to that it caused  many painful and hysterically funny moments.

Her grace, despite being sick for so long, gave me the last and most precious lesson in life. Even though she was so ill, she enjoyed every little moment outside of the hospital and care home. A cappuccino and slice of lemon meringue pie was the absolute hit. Every week we went to the same place near her home, just close enough for her to handle. An hour of being outdoors, people watching, and of course the taste of the treats.

Most of all she enjoyed my company. I could see her taking in every little moment. Her thankfulness for those moments was so big that it became a treat for me to take her out.

She showed me how to be thankful for life.

I think today I will take Adam to a cute little coffee shop here in Los Angeles, order an big piece of lemon meringue pie and toast to her with a cappuccino.

A toast to life.



I’m probably the only woman in the world who always wanted to turn 40. Ask my friends. I've been introducing myself to people saying I’m almost 40 for years now. Why?

Not sure. I just felt that I was still too young for some things and being 40 is the perfect 'middle'. No one can tell me I’m too young. Actually I’m getting the ‘you're too old’ line lately. Not liking that.

So what is it about turning 40?

Why is it such a significant number? Is it because you are over the hill? Life expectancy is about 80 so from that angle it makes sense. Is it different for women than men? Yes. We have to consider our clock is ticking. I hate that expression, but it’s true. Are we going to have a baby or do we remain being the best sugar-aunty or godmother?

Did we fulfill our life so far? Did we achieve all we wanted to do while young and restless? Oh hell yeah!

And do we have the pillars of our life set?

Looking around, I’m very happy with how my life turned out. I found the love of my life and we're doing great. I never thought that would happen. I always thought I would end up marrying my gay friend and spending my old days singing Shirley Bessie’s 'This is my life' with a big vodka in my hand.

When I turned 30, I celebrated it BIG.  300 people dancing on the bar, the tables and the beds at the Supperclub in Amsterdam. It was a wild night. (The special MDMA punch might have helped.)

I wanted to do it again this decade (exchanging the punch for one filled with vitamin C and protein) but we moved to the USA and I don’t have 300 friends here (yet).

I do have this vision of a party. With all my friends and enemies. Why not, it’s the perfect time to bury the hatchets. 

Watching photo’s and video from the archives; My first steps, my first performance, my first casting, my first boyfriend or maybe all of them. The strange haircuts and wardrobe through the years. My family, my mother. The people I worked with, lived with, slept with, loved.

Most people receive this retrospective when they're dead. Post mortem celebrations of life aren't fun. I wanna be there.

I want to walk around, champagne in hand, and celebrate youth. Celebrate friendship, all the highs and lows. Yes I want my friends to make funny speeches, completely embarrass me, and believe me they can. They know all! They probably remember things better than I do.

I always lived my life through the eyes of my friends. Without them I would be nothing. Without sharing there is nothing.

40 to me is the beginning of something new. Henry Miller said Life begins at 40  and I believe he’s right.

But I could never celebrate this new life without all the trouble I got in to before this special day.

So thank you dear friends, although you are far away.

I remember.



Seeing her son this upset, Molly felt like going to school, finding the kid and delevring a swift kick in the pants. But of course we don’t do that kind of thing, so instead she focused on easing the pain and trying to explain that sometimes people and yes,even children can be horribly mean.

Doesn’t this take all of us back to our childhood?

My god, how awful can children be? And how to deal with it?

In discussing the ordeal, Molly and I went back to our childhoods. Both of us growing up being the tallest in class. This never went over well with the other kids. "Giant!!! You are huge!!!! Hey, is it cold up there?"

Ohhh how I remember all the bullying.

Being an only child, I was always a bit overly enthusiastic. I was the first in line, and first to raise my hand in class. I was first in everything, if allowed. This didn't go over too well with the rest of the class. "Why do you always want to be so extravagant? Why do you think you can do this? Please act normal like us!!"

My favorite hobby didn't help much either; Dressings up like a princess when going to school. I clearly remember my first day of school, arriving wearing my mothers silk sexy underwear dress over my t-shirt and the obligatory crown on my head.

I believed this to be ultra cool, but soon found out it wasn’t.

Molly and I concluded that after all we'd been through, we actually became stronger and learned how to deal with bullies later in our life.

We also agreed that there's still plenty of people who just don't like being introduced to a tall blond.

But these days it’s all jealousy!!! :-)



When twitter started I wasn’t interested at first. Another way to communicate?

I already have to update my website, blog and facebook accounts, read my e-mails and maybe answer them. Then there is my agenda, in writing (I still have one of those big file-o-fax things, black leather, smells great and I just can’t part from it) Then I have my ical, iphone and  MacBook to handle. My photo camera and video camera, my alarm….

Pff no! Not one more!

But my fiancée asserted that I could not go to the new decade without it and I listened. Again. :-)

At first it felt very strange to just share my thoughts with complete strangers, and living in the public eye I could not imagine it was going to benefit me to share my location or whereabouts.

But then slowly, I got in to it.

It felt like I was sending out messages to God (or whatever you want to call it). My mother passed away and at the time I felt I had a life-line with her through my twitter account. She didn't respond through twitter of course, she responds through different media. :-)

People started to follow me (again, a strange phenomenon to me at the time). I became tweet friends with total strangers. Last month one of them got sick. Very sick. She sent me a DM telling me about her situation. She had a tumor in her head and was about to go into surgery.

And right then and there I found the true value of twitter. I had made a friend, someone I have never seen but who touched my heart with her funny one-liners, her passion for sports and her total support of my tweets for about six months so far.

I prayed for her every day and just hoped she would get back to her twittering soon.

---------------------------

This is where I left off writing this blog. I had to take a trip to Amsterdam. I didn't want to post it because I hadn't heard from my tweet friend for two days and I was worried she had passed. Arriving in Amsterdam I discovered through a journalist that this twitter "friend" was a hoax. It turned out to be a woman in the south of Holland with about 5000 followers. She apparently told all of them about her cancer and they all believed her, including Lance Armstrong. He even sent her a video message to support her fight.

The weird thing is that she never asked for money, her tweets where funny and accurate, she even had her so called family send me a long e-mails about her situation.

I’m still not sure how I feel about this. I was disappointed and felt really stupid.

And then I felt this empty spot in my heart for someone that wasn’ t even real.

This morning the package with some soap, lip balm and a card that I sent to her at the cancer Institute arrived. 'Return To Sender'.

How low can people go?  Using cancer is such a sick thing to do.

What motivates a person to do this?

Is she that lonely that she needs this attention?

Is she a really good fraudster that wanted to investigate how far she could go?

Is she writing a book on the psychological behavior of people in the cyber age?

In reality she turned out to be a woman about my age, who allegedly defrauded renters of vacation homes and had this as a project on the side. She was arrested the day that she stopped twittering, the day I thought she had passed.

She told the officers she felt sorry for all the consternation she had caused.

Why would you want to use an illness like cancer to get attention? Why would you want to be a part of making people even more afraid of fakes and frauds in a world where every kind word is already put on a scale of thruth?

Trust is a beautiful thing if not abused. The moment you abuse it in such an aggregious way, it has more consequences than you might think. The fear spreads; more people become suspicious about the sincerity of others.

I'll try to stay positive. I'll try to keep on trusting.

I will try. But I've been warned.



I suck when it comes to making a decision. I think about the pro’s and con’s and can deliberate for hours on what to do. Call my friends and ask them. Nag Adam about it and ask his opinion. Dismiss his opinion and then feel insecure about making my own again.

My mind keeps asking the same question. What if I’m wrong?

I have been dealing with this problem for as long as I can remember. I do know the right thing to do when it comes to other people’s problems and questions they have about life. But when it’s about me, I’m lost.

In the past I spend a lot of time about this matter with my shrink. She told me I had a low self-esteem and needed to trust in who I am and what I can do. Paid 60 bucks an hour for that. J

Almost 40, I should finally figure out what to do with the effects that some gene implanted character skills of mine have on my life.

I guess this is the problem: I think too much.

My dear friend Robert gave me this amazing tool. He said; when you have a big question about a certain event coming up and you don’t know if it’s good for you, just stand still, close your eyes and ask the question to yourself. When your body leans forward it’s positive, when your body leans back and feels like it’s shrinking, it’s a definite NO.

Easy does it!



Yesterday my patient fiance pointed out to me that in America we say: Hi, how are you? Am I disturbing you?
There is a big difference.
Turns out till now I have been saying hello to people and asking them if they think I’m mad. !!??

Gosh, the pressure of being European and trying to get it right.

There are so many of these small sentences that we Europeans translate directly in to English and with that take away the meaning of what we try to say but translate it I to a completely, yes quite disturbing, content.

My friend Peter Laanen works with the Dutch embassy for exactly this purpose. Trying to save the huge failures that European company speakers make when starting business with the US.
Here are some funny examples from others people, just to show you that it’s not just me.

“I always get my sin” sin (zin) means, my way.

“I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and also from my wife’s bottom”(My wife thanks you as well)

I promise to keep on studying. But it’s cute to screw up sometimes.

You are surrounded by the most beautiful nature, preserved to keep you shining like a diamond.

You glisten in the sunlight. Hi-rise windows reflecting on each another like they are talking about the new kid in town. You are filled with art and beautiful statues. History surrounds you and you made it on your own.

Smart people live in your city, they create things beyond our beliefs and dreams.

You are cold in the summer yet keep me warm during winter. Always fresh from the wind that sweeps you from the sea.

You are shy and try to hide in a blanket of fog.

But when the fog disappears you show us the true beauty of a city.

Up and down the road we go. On a cable car or walking nice and slow.

Your jazz and lounge music originated here and brought laughter everywhere.

Songs are dedicated to you.

I did not leave my heart in San Francisco. I came to collect it.

I will miss you beautiful city by the bay.



Television is a great source for information and entertainment and a way of life.

I love my TV but I do wonder what happens to me while watching.

I switch it on and after one hour I notice that my body hardly moved. It’s like you are sucked in to a trance state. My mind is occupied with the images and emotions displayed.

I breathe differently. Zoomed out of the real world into my fictional 2 dimensional box.

I love to relax with some Chelsea Lately in the evening. I love a good movie and the news. But the following statement made me think.

 ‘Television inhibits your ability to think, but it does not lead to freedom of mind, relaxation or renewal. It leads to a more exhausted mind. You may have time out from prior obsessive thought patterns, but that's as far as television goes. The mind is never empty, the mind is filled. What's worse, it is filled with someone else's obsessive thoughts and images.’

http://adam.shand.net/iki/library/zen_tv_experiement/ 

Maybe I should go out for a walk.



Correct me if I’m wrong